May Their Memory Be For An Action

Upon tragedy, despair awaits at every turn, but for three Jewish mothers, the answer grew from within and sprouted into a tree of charity.

-By Casey J. Adler

“Blessed are You, Adonai, our God, King of the universe, who formed man with wisdom and created within him many openings and many hollow spaces. It is obvious and known before Your Seat of Honor that if even one of them would be opened, or if even one of them would be sealed, it would be impossible to survive and to stand before You even for one hour. Blessed are You, Adonai, who heals all flesh and acts wondrously.”-Asher Yatzar

The Role of Judaism 

In a discussion on grief and action with Rabbi Sandra Lawson, she emphasized the deep and inherent value that Judaism places on the grieving process. “We’re commanded to remember. We often say, may their memory be for a blessing. [In that the] memory of what they did and who they are demands something of the living.” But for grief to turn into action, Rabbi Lawson appealed to Pirkei Avot, “You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.” 

Judaism played a critical role in repairing the thread of hope for all three mothers: 

For Paulinda, it was two blessings at Temple Israel of Hollywood, which kept her spirits alive during Robin’s chemotherapy: Mi Sheberach, the prayer for the sick, and Asher Yatzar, an expression of gratitude for having working bodily holes and functions. “I related to Ash er Yatzar. ‘Oh my God, that’s Robin’s body, it’s failing.’” Years since Robin’s passing, Paulinda maintains a candle lit in her kitchen at all times, just like the ner tamid, the eternal lamp alight in every sanctuary. 

For Roberta, it was the memorial speech delivered by Rabbi Schuldenfrei of Adat Ari El that helped answer the eternal question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” Unlike many speeches in times of crisis that seek to reassure survivors in their grief, what was different about Rabbi Schuldenfrei is that he proclaimed Shane’s death to be an injustice. He declared, “God didn’t do this. This is not God’s will. I do not believe in a God that causes this kind of harm. God didn’t take Shane.” The bluntness forced Roberta to grapple with the power of freewill, and from there she was set into motion. 

For Jeanne, it was Mitch Albom’s book Have a Little Faith. She stated, “Blaze was always trying to get me to read Mitch Albom’s books, and I had a pile of them! I opened up Have a Little Faith and there was a chapter in the book about a Rabbi who lost a little girl. Mitch asks this Rabbi about how he can maintain his faith in God after losing this little girl, and the Rabbi tells him that he doesn’t see it so much as a loss, but as a gift, because that time that he had with that little girl is a gift from God. So, I realized, in reading that book, that I was going about it all wrong in how I looked at Blaze’s death; it wasn’t that something was taken from us, it was that we had had the gifts of his life for 19 years.” 

Rabbi Lawson noted that Judaism has mechanisms in place for the living, from the importance of a funeral to sitting shiva, the recitation of Kad dish, and the necessity for community. In fact, she said, “You are supposed to say Kaddish with 10 other Jews, and you say it in community. So, your community is holding you up and holding that memory up.” 

In each of Paulinda, Roberta, and Jeanne’s respective interviews, it was this very word that popped up more than every other: community. They each emphasized it was their network of family and friends that acted like a human safety net, catching them when they fell, encouraging them when they withdrew, and galvanizing them to continue their mission each step of the way. 

“I had a lot of help around me,” Paulinda said, “I was nervous and unsure. I’d never been president of anything, and I really didn’t know how to do it, but I had a lot of support.” 

“Community was everything,” Jeanne said, “They helped us through every part of the process of finding Blaze and dealing with the media afterwards. In fact, the same volunteers who helped us with the media then are still helping us today.”

Philanthropy Before And After 

For Paulinda, philanthropy was never something she paid attention to. “Tzedakah wasn’t really something I could afford growing up.” Now, after Robin’s death, while she spends much of her time devoted to The Ovarian Cancer Circle/Inspired By Robin Babbini, she also volunteers for a slew of other organizations. 

Roberta echoed these sentiments. She said that before the tragedy, she and her husband would give randomly to different charities during holidays, but “there was nothing logical or targeted other than something cultural that my parents supported years ago.” After Shane’s passing, it became clear what her life’s purpose would be. 

While Jeanne noted that she and her husband both were strong advocates for philanthropy prior to the tragedy, their charitable giving became much more laser-focused and even more ample. 

May Their Memory Be For An Action 

The answer to grief is one that is personal and confusing. But for each of these courageous women, they proclaimed that the grief never truly goes away but is a part of them every day. They channel the desire to build and support others in the memory of their children. And, in doing so, they repair the world. 

For Paulinda, The Ovarian Cancer Circle/Inspired By Robin Babbini has turned into a power house independent fundraiser for research and awareness. They raised over a million dollars in donations to Dr. Sanaz Memarzadeh’s G.O. Discovery Lab at UCLA for ovarian cancer research. They also support young women with an award at U.C. Santa Barbara chapter of Kappa Gamma. 

For Jeanne, Blaze It Forward has turned into an exceptional support system for youth. They fund a variety of scholarships, created the Blaze Bernstein Culinary School at the Merage Jewish Community Center, and underwrite internships for students at the University of Pennsylvania to come to Los Angeles to find mentors in writing. She also hosts the podcast PeppTalks, which highlights everyday heroes and their journeys. 

For Roberta, the Shane Foundation has turned into a trailblazing partner to major research facilities, including: UC Irvine, Northwestern, and Hadassah. She helped design a curriculum to teach about blood-clotting warning signs in women and worked with the CDC’s “Hear Her” campaign. And, incredibly, she became the only non-medical practitioner to join the American College of Obstetricians & Gynecologists (ACOG) national committee as a patient representative in helping rewrite U.S. maternal and women’s health policy.