Like my fellow clergy, during pre-wedding meetings, I discuss issues that include but are not limited to religion, finances, and conflict resolution. As couples reflect on their future, they begin to comprehend the responsibilities of marriage. On occasion, I recommend that a couple attend counseling prior to marriage if I feel the couple has issues that a trained therapist would be better suited to handle. On other occasions, I have sent couples to financial planners. I don’t have all the answers, but I do have all the questions. The goal is for the couple to be as fully prepared as possible to enter marriage. The job of clergy is to help them with their preparation. 

Only twice over the course of my career have I had couples end the relationship prior to the wedding. Both times the question “What do you love about the other person?” was met with abject silence with minutes passing before someone started talking. If you can’t answer that question prior to getting married, then perhaps you’re on the wrong journey. Anyone who is married knows that marriages have challenges that are often overcome by a strong foundation of love and commitment. When you can’t verbalize that foundation prior to marriage, perhaps the marriage shouldn’t proceed. Perhaps, your foundation is not strong enough. Will your cousin or friend have the skill set to ask you challenging questions and then help you work through the answers? Clergy are trained to help the couple focus on key questions that should be answered before marriage. 

While rabbis have different methods of working with wedding couples, many meet with couples three times prior to their ceremony. The first meeting is a meet and greet and often includes a teaching on the structure of a Jewish wedding while learning about a couple’s ceremony priorities. This meeting is typically followed by a questionnaire the bride and groom fill out separately, giving the clergy member knowledge about their early experiences together. At the second meeting, the couple reflects on “life” questions asked by the clergy member. Often, the couples learn new information about each other as they reflect on the strengths and challenges of their relationship. During the third meeting, which often occurs just days before a wedding, the details of the ceremony are finalized and any last-minute reflections or questions are shared. After these three meetings have occurred, the couple is prepared to enter into marriage and feel connected to the clergy member officiating the ceremony. 

By the time of the ceremony, the clergyperson has become the couple’s gateway for future interactions with the Jewish community. The couple might attend a service the following Shabbat and quickly become immersed in Jewish communal life. Or, they might not interact with clergy again until there is a need – counseling during challenging times, a naming ceremony for a new child, a misheberach prayer prior to a medical procedure, a mezuzah hanging on a new home, or a funeral for an elderly relative. By opening the door through the pre-marital process, a couple has access to clergy and, by extension, to community. While it might not be accessed immediately, the option remains, waiting for the couple to build off the initial relationship. 

There is no greater joy as a rabbi than to see a couple you married last week, last year, or even ten years prior, entering the threshold of your temple or synagogue ready to take their next step into Judaism. The wedding ceremony is not a singular ceremonial moment but an opportunity for a couple and a clergy member to work together in strengthening a couple’s relationship with one another and to the Jewish community. Yes, many people have the ability to lead a ceremony, but an ordained clergy person expands the wedding experience creating space for reflection and future involvement.