Last Minute Haggadah
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Host: Welcome, friends, family and that one person who only comes for the matzah ball soup. Tonight, we retell the story of Passover: how the Israelites escaped slavery in Egypt with the help of some serious plagues, a sea that parted, and an epic trek through the desert featuring 40 years of walking — without GPS.
The First Cup of Wine
Tonight we will drink four cups to celebrate freedom:
One for getting out of Egypt.
One for surviving the plagues.
One for making it across the Red Sea.
One to deal with family.
Let’s say a prayer and drink our first cup.
The Four Questions — Asked by the Youngest Person (or Whomever We Guilt into It)
Why is this night different from all other nights?
Why do we eat matzah?
Why do we eat bitter herbs?
Why do we dip twice?
Why do we recline?
Everyone in unison: When we left Egypt, we were rushed, and matzah was the best we could do. We eat bitter herbs to remember slavery — it was even more bitter than this horseradish. We dip because we can, and we dip twice to show how free we are.
And tonight we recline because we are not slaves and can eat like royalty.
The Passover Story — In 50 words
Once, the Israelites were slaves in Egypt. Moses said, “Let my people go.” Pharaoh said, “Nope.” Ten plagues later, Pharaoh changed his mind. The Israelites booked it out of Egypt, crossed the Red Sea (thanks, divine intervention!), and wandered the desert for 40 years. No maps, just manna and miracles.
The Ten Plagues — Things Got … Intense
To remind us of the suffering in Egypt, we recite these plagues and remove a drop of wine for each (because even our enemies’ suffering isn’t something to celebrate):
Blood — All the water turned to blood. Gross.
Frogs — Everywhere. Imagine stepping outside and ribbit.
Lice — Personal hygiene took a hit.
Wild Beasts — Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
Cattle Disease — Bad news for Pharaoh’s barbecue plans.
Boils — Ouch. Just … ouch.
Hail & Fire — Weather got really weird.
Locusts — Biblical-level crop destruction.
Darkness — Three days of pitch black. Great for introverts, terrible for everyone else.
Death of the Firstborn — Pharaoh finally got the message.
Dayenu — Because We’re Really Good at Gratitude
Dayenu means “It would have been enough.” But we got the full package deal. (If you have a scallion or spring onion, feel free to lightly whack the person next to you every time we say Dayenu!).
Everyone in unison: If God had taken us out of Egypt … Dayenu! If He had split the sea for us … Dayenu! If He had fed us in the desert … Dayenu! If He had given us the Torah … Dayenu! If He had brought us to the Promised Land … Dayenu!
Basically, we’re extra blessed — so let’s sing (and pretend we remember all the words). The Seder Plate — What’s This Stuff?
Matzah — The original fast food.
Maror (Bitter Herbs) — A taste of hardship (literally).
Charoset — The sweet reminder that even slavery had moments of hope (also, it tastes good).
Karpas (Greens) — Spring, renewal and something to dip in salt water.
Zeroa (Shank Bone) — The sacrifice of the past (or a roasted beet, for our vegetarian friends).
Beitzah (Egg) — The circle of life, roasted so it looks festive.
Let’s Eat! (Finally)
Now that we’ve fulfilled our storytelling duty, we feast! Dig in — after all, we suffered through plagues and exile so we could enjoy this brisket. And if we’re daring, the gefilte fish. But first, put a bit of charoset on a piece of matzah and enjoy — it’s the real Passover sandwich.
Conclusion — Next Year in Jerusalem (or At Least with a Better Haggadah)
We end our Seder with the hope for a world free from suffering, injustice and dry matzah.
L’chaim!
