By Joshua Kail, The Rebbitzman 

With the new year now upon us, it is time to look towards the future of Judaism. The future starts, where it does, with half of us, circumcision. For generations, the brit milah has been the same: drink, slice, cry, mazal tov! The only changes we’ve seen have been in the tools we use, from Abraham and a jagged rock to the neighborhood mohel and his Mogen Clamp. The question I have is, aren’t we due for a change? In the era of vagazzling and pejazzling, don’t we, the people of Moses, deserve something that really brings the water from the rock? I say yes, and give you 5 New Circumcision techniques for the newborn Jewish boys of 2026! 

1. Julienne/“The Grass Skirt”: Move over foodies, there is a new use for this vegetable cutting technique. With just 10–15 carefully vertical slices by the mohel, your new born boy could be rocking this new look, which is not only unique but will one day give the ladies something to stare at whilst in motion. 
2. The Interfaith: It’s no secret that there are a lot of interfaith relationships out there. With it comes a lot of decisions and compromises in how both faiths might be expressed, including circumcision. With the Interfaith Technique, there is finally a path to compromise. Here, the mohel simply does half the job, Jewish upfront, Roman Catholic in the back. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said about whatever the hell a Hanukkah bush is. 
3. The Slinky: The Slinky is not for families who want to hide in the shadows. With a continuous spiraling cut, the slinky is sure to get a few “oohs” and “aahs” from those who witness it. It’s a statement that says, “Life is fun, let’s enjoy it!” 
4. The Snowflake: This elegant, yet familiar look, comes from the mohel making 3–4 folds within the foreskin before carefully carving out a few strategically placed triangles. The result, when unfolded, is a Winter Wonderland for the nether regions. This one comes with a built-in pickup line should your son ever find themselves in a warmer climate. “So you’ve never seen a snowflake before?” 
5. The Knitted Sweater: This is by far the most complex approach. The mohel must first apply the Julienne Technique, then quickly weave the strands together in a classic herringbone style. This will result in “sleeves” giving a winter sweater aesthetic as it heals. It is important to find a mohel whose family comes from a long line of tailors, otherwise that herringbone pattern could easily become a basketweave, and that would just look ridiculous. Do your research, as the saying goes, measure twice, cut once. 

Joshua Kail is a Jewish humor writer and America’s “Rebbitzman.” He has been featured in outlets across the US, including “The Jewish Fiction Journal,” “Chabad News,” “JNS,” and several other non-Jewish outlets. He currently resides in Los Angeles with his Rabbi wife and two children. It is important to note that nothing he has written has been approved by any rabbi, living or otherwise, especially if he is married to her. More of his writing can be found on his Medium page, “Ask The Rebbitzman.”